Warning, this is the first really negative journal I've made in a long time. But you can just click out. I just need an outlet desperately.

It's been rough lately. I wonder how I should feel. I'm confused and hurt. No, I'm lucky... no one has died, I haven't lost a job... everything on the "normal" life front is seemingly fine. Things should be great for me really. That's what I thought. I went from being depressed for years to being positive about life. I figured whatever wasn't going well would seem a lot better through my new eyes. A positive attitude is the key, right?

You may not have noticed I was away for a while very recently. Nearly two weeks; although, I failed to stay away completely. I was taking a break from the internet, because it's been getting me so down. It's one thing after the other with people online. I have gotten to the point where I fear checking my e-mail and participating online. Totally opposite to when I used it to survive... when my life was so dark and e-mails from certain people was the light at the end of the tunnel.

DeviantART is pretty much the only place left that feels completely safe and warm. I've never had a problem here. It's just elsewhere. I have friends that I have given my heart and soul to, because we struck up such great friendships and I appreciated everything they've shared with me. I couldn't have wished for more. I'd put everything aside for them. But I feel so cold and bitter now towards the internet. Too many unnecessary stresses and upsets. It's so hard for me to deal with having friends that aren't acting like friends. If I let myself cry, I could cry for days over it. I don't understand how you can give so much of yourself to someone and out of nowhere they smack you around coming up with all sorts of false accusations and negative assumptions about you. It's just gotten worse and worse. What happened? Where did things go wrong? Will things get better? I don't want to give up; I love my friends.

The only good thing I can say is that these days I know I don't deserve to be treated negatively. I am loving, smart, as loyal as they come, honest, hardworking and I have a great sense of humor. But sometimes I wish I could rewind back to the most miserable days of my life when I thought I was worth nothing, because these friendships seemed so much better back then.

It makes no sense to me at all.